Well let’s see, I started a new job, my steppy has decided to move in with us, so from 2 kids to 3 full time. Signed on with a support group, and have been made an honorary event planner and fundraising coordinator. So life has been busy, and with the health being good, and my mind has been occupied, the writing has waned. I have missed ALL OF YOU!!!
So let’s start with the support group. Back in February, I posted a short note about hiatus, Grieving. Tyler was like one of our kids. He looked up to my husband, who is also his cousin. Since the age of 16 he had stayed with us intermittently. He was the kindest of most unconditional of souls. This trait of unconditionally accepting folks was his virtue and vice. It lead him down a road that lead to an addiction of methamphetamine. Through the loss of his job, and re-associating with old “pals” he found himself battling a ride with meth again, and this time the activity involving his choice of lifestyle took his life. I think what is harder is he didn’t overdose, he wasn’t murdered…well not directly. He was in the process of making drug run with another person and he lost his life in a head on collision. we all were shell shocked.
Tyler had been living with us, again. We helped him get a job, he was starting to get himself right again, after a bad break-up. Times were great, we moved him and our family into a bigger home. We told him as long as he was doing right by himself and us that he would always have a roof over his head. It was great, we painted and moved, and hung curtains. He was always getting us to lighten up and laugh…myself and HIM. The older boys adored him, and our youngest, Diddle, to him, he was Unky Tyler. Because he was a part of this family. He is still a part of our family, he will always be a part of us.
I am angry at him. I am angry at the woman who was driving while high on heroin. I am angry that he wasn’t able to tell people NO. I am angry that he loved and genuinely liked everyone with out judgement. I am angry that he is gone and I can’t ever tell him again how much I loved him and tell him to get his head out of his ass. I am angry that we had to make the choice to protect ourselves and kick him out. I am angry with him and my self, because I couldn’t do anything to stop the chain of events that took his life.
I am really angry.
I found a support group for family members who have lost someone due to addiction.
At first I didn’t think it was for me, but the stories Tyler told me, the over doses. Him running around scoring drugs for people. The things he was seeing, and even though he was using his own drug, the horrible reality he shared with me…
I am fucking pissed!!!
I live smack dab in the heroin capital of the USA, I live in Ohio. I live 40 minutes north of it’s epicenter. We are surrounded by country music, cornfields, and county fairs. My own small town of 500 witnessed a meth lab and drug trafficking house being busted today.
I am angry.
But in this anger I find hope and I am finding the unconditional love that Tyler showed to those he called friends. I’m finding that the thoughts I had before about those addicted are no the thoughts I have today.
I have watched many on both sides of my friends, and family succumb to addictions of varying degrees, and near to every legal and illegal substance. In all of it my heart loved but due to fear, there was no part of myself that could be a part of a lifestyle that robbed me of parents, a brother, cousins, friends, and the list goes on. At the end of the day when I think about where they are in their lives I still love them, that is unconditional.
Not all of them are in recovery, some of them may never reach the bottom, but they need to know that myself and many others have hope.
Instead of hands off at this stage in understanding addiction and recovery, there is only HOPE.
If you would like to donate to FOA Families of Addicts know that your donation goes to Educate, Empower, and Embrace both sides of addiction the Families and those struggling with Substance abuse and in Long-term Recovery.