So another conversation in my house ended up with me apologizing.
It seems that when I try to explain how I feel or how something makes me feel or how the fucked up hamsters in my head begin to whirl I get shut down. Now my therapist says that maybe I am with the wrong person for me. But yeah, I dismiss that because sometimes the right person can be the one that annoys the crap out of us, and through that annoyance makes us look at ourselves in a different way. But this is probably only me and the craziness of being me. I think it has to with internal voices that got messed up, so that negative feedback becomes a mission to change.
Yes it sends me into a frenzy of cleaning and straightening, and trying to perfect everything in my environment.
I talked to my therapist about this, and she says that the comments that are cleverly disguised as compliments are actually back handed compliments.
Here are some examples:
“This tastes really good, but could you…”
“Wow, the laundry is caught up…what else did you do today?”
“That shirt looks great honey, but those pants are getting a bit tight.”
Yes this is the conversations and comments HIM sends my way and the messed up thing is HE thinks its encouraging!!!
And the more I try to explain to him, that he is NOT complimenting me, or giving me praise…well he just doesn’t seem to get it.
I end up feeling frustrated, and like the poor soul above I used to work myself into a self loathing frenzy all in the name of pleasing him.
Scrub clean, cook to 5 star levels, everything perfect when he would come home.
This has changed. Not much though.
Now instead of living up to HIS levels of perfection, I am remind myself that it’s not HIM I have to please. It’s me and if HE can’t deal with it my way, well you know…the highway is outside the door. It’s not that I don’t love HIM, and it’s not that I don’t want to be with HIM, but this whole pleasing validation I used to seek is EXHAUSTING!!!
Now back to the argument….
HIM: Can Diddle have cereal?
ME: Yes, why couldn’t he have cereal?
ME: Hey, why are you asking if Diddle can have cereal for breakfast?
HIM: ( Now just so you know he is in the kitchen with Diddle) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ME: I don’t know YOU asked if Diddle could have cereal for breakfast, and I said, YES!!
HIM: Well are you going to make it?
ME: Uhm, aren’t you in the kitchen?
Now maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and simply went to the kitchen to make the bowl of cereal. But I was a bit confused. I thought the conversation was about whether or not Diddle could or could not have cereal. Am I expected to be a mind reader, was there an implied question of ME making the bowl of cereal? Because if so I missed that part!
At this point Diddle is hooting and hopping on one foot. A behavior he does when he feels tension between HIM and I.
ME: Yes, I can make a bowl of cereal for Diddle!!!
HIM: I don’t know what your problem is?
ME: Really? You were in the kitchen asking if Diddle could have cereal and I assumed you were making a bowl of cereal for him, since you WERE in the kitchen….
HIM: WHAT THE FUCK EVER! I AM GETTING DRESSED FOR WORK!
ME: At 11 am you don’t leave for work until 2pm…??
HIM: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE???
Needless to say I ended up trying to apologize, and HE of course said “whatever” because I had a ‘but’ with the apology.
I am considering molesting his toot brush…but then again I kiss him, so that won’t work….but toothbrush violations are in my past relationships…and I also used to spit in HIS beer and coffee…yes I totally admitted to that! Those are stories from our past and for another time.
HIM = BUTT
Well I WAS going to insert a picture of a butt here, needless to say what popped up on the browser was NOT DIDDLE SAFE. Close browser…..I don’t know why I was surprised…but I bookmarked it for browsing later. No judging!!!!
ps. Diddle was able to eat his cereal in peace…and I tried to make up for the morning fiasco by reading Shel Silverstein’s “Don’t Bump the Glump”.
I am such a horrible person and I suppose I did something to deserve all that I have.