I take my injections, I rest when days of unwellness find me and force me to stop pushing through.
The last month I have been exhausted. Mentally and physically.
My laptop needs work, so I try to sit at the desktop and it’s too much physically. Pain in my hips, ankles and knee’s. A burning heat that feels like the coldest ice settles in. I know what this means I am flaring again.
Today’s blog is to follow through, and continue stoking the fire’s I have set, that keep me pushing through..
Good ‘ol Crohns won’t let go and leaves me wasting.
I have lost thirty pounds which on one hand is good I have forty more to go.
On the other hand, thirty pounds a month is a key indicator to the level of illness I am about to gear up to begin the familiar struggle.
I am feeling defeated, I am feeling pissed off.
I am angry lately, and depressed.
I want to rage and scream and hate those who don’t get it. Sometimes my partner. He tries but really sometimes, I think he forgets that although I get up I do the dishes, clean the house, cook and do laundry and take care of our children, the daily runnings of a household most days it’s a physical struggle. Sprinkle that with depression and not being able to do my part up to MY standards…
OCD/ADHD….get it done, get it done right now and re-do it ’cause it’s not perfect!!!
I get up and get the kids off to school. I come home do what I can, but I NEVER FEEL IT’S GOOD ENOUGH.
These stupid voices in my head tell me that I should simply die, that I am a burden.
Being a burden is the worst for me, because well who wants to be a burden. And as if the mental health issues weren’t enough I get the genetic makeup of a continually losing hand of cards.
I just want it all stop.
Imagine for a moment that your mind and body are continuously working aginst your efforts to undermine any attempts at success.
Imagine feeling as if everything is a FIGHT you can’t win.
Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself and I need to get up and with it today.
I think I will go do some dishes and maybe dust…or lay down and take a nap…