Bad Hand Perfect Burden


I take my injections, I rest when days of unwellness find me and force me to stop pushing through.

The last month I have been exhausted. Mentally and physically.

My laptop needs work, so I try to sit at the desktop and it’s too much physically. Pain in my hips, ankles and knee’s. A burning heat that feels like the coldest ice settles in. I know what this means I am flaring again.

Today’s blog is to follow through, and continue stoking the fire’s I have set, that keep me pushing through..

Good ‘ol Crohns won’t let go and leaves me wasting.

I have lost thirty pounds which on one hand is good I have forty more to go.

On the other hand, thirty pounds a month is a key indicator to the level of illness I am about to gear up to begin the familiar struggle.

I am feeling defeated, I am feeling pissed off.

I am angry lately, and depressed.

I want to rage and scream and hate those who don’t get it. Sometimes my partner. He tries but really sometimes, I think he forgets that although I get up I do the dishes, clean the house, cook and do laundry and take care of our children, the daily runnings of a household most days it’s a physical struggle. Sprinkle that with depression and not being able to do my part up to MY standards…

OCD/ADHD….get it done, get it done right now and re-do it ’cause it’s not perfect!!!

OVERWHELMED!!!!

I get up and get the kids off to school. I come home do what I can, but I NEVER FEEL IT’S GOOD ENOUGH.

These stupid voices in my head tell me that I should simply die, that I am a burden.

Being a burden is the worst for me, because well who wants to be a burden. And as if the mental health issues weren’t enough I get the genetic makeup of a continually losing hand of cards.

I just want it all stop.

Imagine for a moment that your mind and body are continuously working aginst your efforts to undermine any attempts at success.

Imagine feeling as if everything is a FIGHT you can’t win.

Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself and I need to get up and with it today.

I think I will go do some dishes and maybe dust…or lay down and take a nap…

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