Scrub, Butts, and Bookmarked


So another conversation in my house ended up with me apologizing.

It seems that when I try to explain how I feel or how something makes me feel or how the fucked up hamsters in my head begin to whirl I get shut down. Now my therapist says that maybe I am with the wrong person for me. But yeah, I dismiss that because sometimes the right person can be the one that annoys the crap out of us, and through that annoyance makes us look at ourselves in a different way. But this is probably only me and the craziness of being me. I think it has to with internal voices that got messed up, so that negative feedback becomes a mission to change.

scrubber

Yes it sends me into a frenzy of cleaning and straightening, and trying to perfect everything in my environment.

I talked to my therapist about this, and she says that the comments that are cleverly disguised as compliments are actually back handed compliments.

Here are some examples:

“This tastes really good, but could you…”

“Wow, the laundry is caught up…what else did you do today?”

“That shirt looks great honey, but those pants are getting a bit tight.”

Yes this is the conversations and comments HIM sends my way and the messed up thing is HE thinks its encouraging!!!

And the more I try to explain to him, that he is NOT complimenting me, or giving me praise…well he just doesn’t seem to get it.

I end up feeling frustrated, and like the poor soul above I used to work myself into a self loathing frenzy all in the name of pleasing him.

Scrub clean, cook to 5 star levels, everything perfect when he would come home.

This has changed. Not much though.

Now instead of living up to HIS levels of perfection, I am remind myself that it’s not HIM I have to please. It’s me and if HE can’t deal with it my way, well you know…the highway is outside the door. It’s not that I don’t love HIM, and it’s not that I don’t want to be with HIM, but this whole pleasing validation I used to seek is EXHAUSTING!!!

Now back to the argument….

HIM: Can Diddle have cereal?

ME: Yes, why couldn’t he have cereal?

HIM: …

ME: Hey, why are you asking if Diddle can have cereal for breakfast?

HIM: ( Now just so you know he is in the kitchen with Diddle) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ME: I don’t know YOU asked if Diddle could have cereal for breakfast, and I said, YES!!

HIM: Well are you going to make it?

ME: Uhm, aren’t you in the kitchen?

Now maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and simply went to the kitchen to make the bowl of cereal. But I was a bit confused. I thought the conversation was about whether or not Diddle could or could not have cereal. Am I expected to be a mind reader, was there an implied question of ME making the bowl of cereal? Because if so I missed that part!

At this point Diddle is hooting and hopping on one foot. A behavior he does when he feels tension between HIM and I.

ME: Yes, I can make a bowl of cereal for Diddle!!!

HIM: I don’t know what your problem is?

ME: Really? You were in the kitchen asking if Diddle could have cereal and I assumed you were making a bowl of cereal for him, since you WERE in the kitchen….

HIM: WHAT THE FUCK EVER! I AM GETTING DRESSED FOR WORK!

ME: At 11 am you don’t leave for work until 2pm…??

HIM: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE???

ME: WHATEVER…..!

Needless to say I ended up trying to apologize, and HE of course said “whatever” because I had a ‘but’ with the apology.

I am considering molesting his toot brush…but then again I kiss him, so that won’t work….but toothbrush violations are in my past relationships…and I also used to spit in HIS beer and coffee…yes I totally admitted to that! Those are stories from our past and for another time.

HIM = BUTT

Well I WAS going to insert a picture of a butt here, needless to say what popped up on the browser was NOT DIDDLE SAFE. Close browser…..I don’t know why I was surprised…but I bookmarked it for browsing later. No judging!!!!

ps. Diddle was able to eat his cereal in peace…and I tried to make up for the morning fiasco by reading Shel Silverstein’s “Don’t Bump the Glump”.

I am such a horrible person and I suppose I did something to deserve all that I have.

Sigh.

 

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3 thoughts on “Scrub, Butts, and Bookmarked

  1. Gah! I know this is from a year ago, but you are NOT a bad person. That whole thing, the entire exchange, everything you thought and said seemed completely reasonable to me. That’s what I would have thought. Asking if he can have cereal is a yes or no question, not a call to action – unless someone’s passive-aggressive. If someone wants you to do something, they should ask you like a full grown adult.

    Okay, I’m down off my soapbox, lol

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Good! I know that feeling, and it’s hard to ignore the words even if they really have nothing to do with you. You feel like you should do something. But it’s not your responsibility, so when you get inner strength, you just let them say and do whatever and it doesn’t affect you anymore.

        Liked by 1 person

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