I would like to share from what became a person’s good deed turned road trip for them and another friend of theirs.
As some of you, my readers know I have severe Crohn’s Disease. I have been battling this series of flares with surgery and medications. But it seems surgery is the only real option I have for ‘quality of life’ left. I have been in the process of transitioning to an ileostomy from a colostomy.
I am saying good-bye to the last of my colon and the rest of the poo chute. All in all, I have been able to manage this well and been able to catch myself before falling off into the
“I AM TOO SICK FOR ANYTHING PIT!”
So a close enough friend offered to take me a Dr.’s appointment, because she recently found Jesus, and says that she needs to catch up on her works, and she is my friend and I figure what the hey? I won’t have to drive and I have to take Diddle me. Well, this should work out nicely.
So, two evenings before I gave the Friend a call and she says, she is looking forward to hanging out and getting out of Po-Dunk Ohio. I reminded her we had would have Diddle, and I DON’T feel good. Then she informs me she invited her friend, an acquaintance to me…I immediately inform her I don’t feel like gallivanting around Cincinnati…the acquaintances BF lives and works there and I knew this was quickly becoming about their scheme’s for Cincinnati. We also discussed the time crunch of having to back to go to Po-Dunk High School for 17yo’s College Night Meeting for dual enrollment. That is a HUGE deal for me to be there for my kid.
But I try to put all the worries in the back of my mind, and tell the Hamster’s to stop whirring along chummily in their wheels, and REALLY REALLY REALLY try not to think the worst about the upcoming day.
The day of the trip: 2-hour delay for schools and preschools. Hooray, we all sleep in.
I get Diddle off the pre-school the high schooler of to school, LATE! Because apparently after the first call from the pre-school, my mind assumes and causes me to dream that the High School of Po-Dunk called and there was a 2-hour delay for them also.
THIS WAS NOT THE CASE.
But made it work and got everyone where they needed to be.
Run home meet Friend. She needs to use my computer to do an application for computer illiterate hubby and attach his resume which is on my computer because, well I am just a nice person and do nice things for people like resume’s and such. She couldn’t update it without difficulties so I did this for her because she wasn’t taking the time to match the format for the additions and it looked WONKY and UNPROFESSIONAL.
HELLO, YOU WANT HIM TO GET THE JOB? RIGHT? DONE AND FIXED.
So we head out to go get Diddle.
Pick up some lunch.
Pick up the acquaintance.
Set Google Maps on my phone with the navigator and off we go.
Get to Cincy and park and go in for the appointment.
Friend comes in and finally tells me they are taking off to go see Acquaintances BF, and I am kind of like…
Out of my mouth is ” I hope you don’t go too long and it’s close because I won’t be long.”
She is like ” Oh yeah it’s right off of…”
And I am like ” Oh, well please hurry, I won’t be long.”
In my head, I am thinking well it’s 3 pm in Cincy and it’s the beginning of the rush. I know you are going to get lost, and we discussed me having to back at Po-Dunk by 6 pm so that I can go to College Meeting Night and it’s IMPORTANT!!!!!
But I am trying to have faith and not worry…
Appointment is done and I am ready to leave at 3:47.
Text Friend: done.
Text Friend: 4 pm DONE
Call Friend: 4:12 pm
Acquaintance answers: Hello, are you done already?
ME: Yeah I have been waiting for almost 30 minutes. Where are you guys?
Acquaintance: Oh well we are like 30 minutes away, my BF had to go out for a run. (He’s an EMT) We are waiting for him to get back. We shouldn’t be much longer.
ME: You both realize that I need to be back in Po-Dunk, so I can go to the College Meeting Night with my 17 yo?
Acquaintance: Oh well I guess we have to come back, but I don’t think we will make it back to Po-Dunk on time.
I am sitting in the sky bridge texting HIM, along the lines of I TOLD YOU SO THIS WAS GOING TO BE A BAD IDEA.
HIM: take a pill (literally) and chill, hopefully, the BF enjoyed and appreciates the chocolates?
Sure at this point I should be focusing on the fact that I didn’t have to drive.
He is right, though, I am carrying around enough opiates to drop a horse. So my legs are hurting, and I was trying not to take any pills until riding home. Erythema Nodosum is painful riding in a vehicle, walking and sitting. Pain makes me….this pain causes me to see only the pain. But I wait.
Still not here.
Finally, she is pulling under the sky bridge. I hop onto the elevator, ride down to ground level and stand out on the side walk. To make matters worse there are 30 mile an hour winds and I have only my hoody and it’s at least 32*. My heavy coat is in Friends car. I wasn’t expecting to have to be standing around outside. Get in car.
Friend: Sorry traffic was horrible and we got lost. Where do you want to get a bite to eat? Acquaintance is hungry and Diddle says he is too.
In my head
ITS FUCKING RUSH HOUR IN CINCINNATI!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BOTH ARE ACTING LIKE THIS WAS SOME KIND OF ‘TEENAGE MEET UP ROADTRIP’! YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BRING ME TO A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT…A REALLY IMPORTANT ONE THAT INVOLVES ME GETTING THE REST OF MY GUTS CUT OUT!!!!! I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!!! THIS WAS NOT EVER ABOUT YOU BEING A GOOD FRIEND…OH SURE IT MIGHT HAVE STARTED OFF THAT WAY BUT YOU AND ACQUAINTANCE DECIDED TO MAKE IT A TRIP TO BRING EMT LOVERBOY HIS ALREADY LATE 10$ GIFT BAG OF FUCKING GIMMICKY V-DAY CHOCOLATES AND I WAS A SIDE NOTE!!!!!
ME: Trying to hide the frustration and screams in my head, I say let’s get out of this traffic first. I am not hungry right now.
Friend: Oh, so how did things go?
ME: Fine we went over what to expect and what I have to do, everything is scheduled, and that’s about it.
Friend: Is that it?
Diddle: I AM HUNGRY!!!
ME: All right let’s get out of here.
My Friend starts driving in the wrong direction I am reversing the directions on Google Maps AND I mention this and she says we came back on this street, and I say it’s the wrong street and you are heading west. Then she turns this way and that way and I am watching on my phone as she continue’s to head further into Cincy, because at this point she is heading south towards the Ohio River, and I have tried to calmly tell her she is going the wrong way. She snaps that my phone’s GPS must be wrong
At this point, my passive aggressive nature completely takes over.
I am done, she can find her own fucking way out of Cincy.
We finally make it out of Cincy. After Friend, asks me to please help her find her way out of Cincy, she si also thinking there is a wreck, but I kept telling her “IT’S FUCKING RUSH HOUR IN CINCINNATI!!!!!!”
So finally, we are on a ST. RT. We aren’t even in Hamilton and it’s almost 6 pm. She acts pissy and her and acquaintance insist on going inside. I have 10$ and I am thinking I can’t afford the fancy pizza parlor they are trying to insist on and I speak up.
She actually tells me to stop busting her balls.
So we go into an Americanised taco stand…
In the ladies bathroom, Friend says, “OMG, ewwwww! There is a cup of pee and a pregnancy test over here!”
ME: What? This is why Planned Parenthood should not be losing funds.
Diddle: That sounds gross.
(Diddle tried to insist on going into the men’s room, BUT, the area we were in looked sketchy, and thank goodness I had the sense to drag him protesting into the ladies room with us.)
ME: Diddle keep your hands in your pockets, don’t touch anything!
Diddle: I want to be home NOW!!!
ME: We are on our way kiddo. Hey, Friend is it positive?
Friend: I am not touching it!
ME: Right, stranger pee!
We order, we eat, we find what looks like pot on one of the tables, and I speculate it’s probably SPICE.
OH yeah here is a picture…because aside from the I know someone is gonna relate to immature behavior from the two broads I am stuck with this is BLOG WORTHY!
Back on the road again…
I have stopped tracking the time…and meander on my Twitter feed and Facebook.
Diddle starts talking about God and Jesus.
Now the Friend who decided to drive me recently found religion, and although many of her views are abhorrent to me, I respectfully choose to not discuss this with her because we disagree. But after this trip…
Somewhere along ST. RT. 503…
Diddle says he doesn’t believe in God and Jesus but he loves them. Now he is 5yo. FOLKS, five!
My family doesn’t go to church, I have always encouraged my children to explore this and discussed religions with them and when they are old enough I allow them…well you get the point.
Friend interrupts Diddle and tells him…
A FIVE YEAR OLD
FRIEND: “You have to believe in God and Jesus or you are going to burn in fire and get poked with hot pokers! You are a sinner and all sinners…
ME: !!!!!INTERRUPTING !!!!! Diddle you are not a born sinner, that is not exactly how that works you are still my sweet good lit….
FRIEND: “YOU ARE A SINNER DIDDLE, that’s the truth! We are all born sinners!”
I am fumbling over my words and beyond livid and I am still playing polite and in hind sight as I have toiled over this post…
ME: “STOP TEACHING MY CHILD DOCTRINE!!!!”
FRIEND: (SILENT PAUSE) “Uhm, okay? I don’t know what that is but okay…
Now this is where I am disgusted and alarmingly frightened, my son has spent time alone with this Friend, she is an Assistant Sunday School teacher and I am beginning to think what the hell else bullshit has she poured into his head with her fucked up trip on everyone is EVIL, including little children.
I am about ready to cry, I am hurting, I am pissed and exhausted.
The tension went from the thickness of concrete to super re-bar re-enforced concrete!
At last at 8:20 pm we pull into my little corner of the world, and I couldn’t be more elated!!!
I drop my things on the kitchen table, tuck my Diddle into pajama’s and his nest (the moon chair) and was wishing I had a bottle of Goliath Red maybe two!
(feel free to send as gifts I will gladly consume and my family will appreciate my light banter as I stumble around the house being sweet and loving, because wine makes every woman sweet as honey)
Driving myself because even though I may not meet my timelines and end up being late, late is better than not making it to an appointment or destination, which gives me anxiety because I hate to be late, and I hate to have to reschedule because I always feel like such a heel but whatever, I will drive myself from here forward!
Oh the opiates, I am well adjusted to their side effects, so no worries, but I might seem too happy driving in rush hour, so if you are ever in Cincinnati and you see a slightly overweight, frazzled looking blonde haired woman hiding behind her huge plastic frames dancing and smiling in a big older style Suburban, wave honk and smile.
Last thought I promise…The road to hell is never paved with good intentions!