I was reading this morning, and as usual I find a nugget of self-life relating kernel of wisdom to apply to the world I live in.
Sometimes we get, or at least, for me I get so wrapped up in myself and my life I forget that there are hundreds in my community that are struggling to laugh, heck I forget to acknowledge that there are billions of people on this planet who are all struggling in their own world’s.
But then some brilliant person who is full of wisdom speaks or writes the best words and voila’
My bitterness is rooted in the fact that well I am not happy with my current life situation. I had dreams, I had aspirations, and they were all better than where I am at presently.
As I wrote that last line my brain took me in a different direction with words and my brain said to me…
You do realize there is one letter difference between bitter and better and maybe that’s your problem, you are always looking, yearning for better and not appreciating where you are.
I ponder this and realize, my brain is correct, and obviously telling me that I don’t keep stumbling over the obstacles…I keep stumbling over ME.
Sure I have a Ring of Fire in my brain, it’s called ADHD/BI-polar/anxiety. I have Crohn’s and psoriatic arthritis, and erythema nodosum, and thinning hair and crooked teeth, and a bubble butt, and thick thighs, and my eyes are too small, and my waist is too high, and sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see a gnarly, beasty, woman, arriving disheveled at 40 and being completely dissatisfied. Oh and let’s not forget, the colostomy bag )set to become an ileostomy in a month). A messed up childhood that has exasperated me since I could understand what MY life should not be..but better.
As I am typing this I think good grief, you are whining! You…are feeling sorry for yourself!
Then I am thinking that this dissatisfied state stems from a complete lack of appreciating where the present holds me.
Why do I stumble over me?
Because I am angry at myself.
Because I have made some poor choices.
So, we all do.
Then why do I beat myself up over choices I made?
I don’t know you have to answer this.
But you ARE my BRAIN, you’re suppose to have the answers!
Yes, I am your brain, but, if I give you all the answers where’s the fun, the adventure?
Fuck you BRAIN…FUCK YOU!
What? You act as if I’m suppose to be giving the answers…
YOU ARE YOU ARE MY BRAIN! MINE as IN YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO WORK WITH ME!
Oh that, yes well, you see We here at Brain Headquarters, thought it would be so much more entertaining to see what happens if we left you mostly to your own devices. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best of choices for us but then again it has been mostly entertaining.
So what are you gonna do about it Brain?
We are sleepy, and it’s late let’s take our happy pills and off to bed we go.
NO! I am not finished…
Yes we are and you know if we don’t go to sleep now…
What! You want to sleep so I don’t get to have a choice?
Well yes actually that is kind of how it works, I am the Brain.
NO, I get to decide.
OH, come on, how childish is this? You know and I know I am going to win because I am the Brain…Your non-compliance could have embarrassing consequences.
I could make you involuntarily drool every time we go out in public…and we are talking profusely.
Really as if the problems I have now aren’t enough? Brain you are an asshole, a control freak.
Right? But look at how messed you would be if we let you have control…?
And now I can’t sleep…thanks Brain.
This isn’t over!