Loneliness…14,000 plus days and counting!

So I was facebook creeping today. Looking back at some of my friends and unfriends and their lovely pics and it leaves me wondering if I am doing something wrong. They all look so happy and content, they all seem to have these wonderful families, and go places and see things, and have these great friend get together’s, and what do I do?

Hide at home

Go at once in a while

Hide at home.

Creep on people’s facebook pages and realize how damned miserable I am even more than I already realize how miserable I am.

I have taken medication for years and nothing has ever WORKED!!!

I have this stupid new thing that they discovered something about not metabolizing medications…what the hell?

I don’t ever feel normal or think normal, at least that is what I have always been told by literally everyone in my life.  I would rather be reading or watching a documentary, writing…the writing part is when my brain allows me to, like right now. I am and have been really fucking unhappy and can’t find joy, except in creating and decorating and everyone just thinks I am insane because of this.

I would rather be reading or watching a documentary, writing…the writing part is when my brain allows me to, like right now. I am and have been really unhappy and can’t find joy, except in creating and decorating and thinking about things everyone thinks I am insane because of this.

Discussing politics and religion I could spend hours listening to others talk about the endless possibilities, and potential outcomes, and the dreams that come from the nightmares within these topics.

OR about old houses, and antiques, and books and how to save the world.

and antiques, and books and how to save the world.

and how to save the world.

There have been those who have come up with plans and then in the end nothing ever comes to fruition.

The distractions of a dreamer I suppose.

I painted.

I quit painting and drawing because everyone said my shit was like wall paper and everyone saw vaginas in everything I painted…WTF.

I was tired of hearing the shit, I stopped.

I composed.

I stopped because nobody believed the shit I wrote about and said there was no way I could have gone through what I did.

I am easily defeated.

I am insecure.

There is this intense fear of failure.

This intensity about being alone in everything I do.

Maybe I can’t find my tribe is the problem,

Is my tribe out there?

Am I doomed to be lonely all of my fucking life without a single soul to relate to?

I love my kids, I love my man, I enjoy my home and cooking and taking care of the people I love…

BUT I AM REALLY FUCKING LONELY

I am 40 damned years old and you would think this wouldn’t be such a big deal…

But lonely is living without

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Featured Image by siudajSTEJ at Deviant Art

Joy image by daydreaminggirl at Deviant Art

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