Loneliness…14,000 plus days and counting!


So I was facebook creeping today. Looking back at some of my friends and unfriends and their lovely pics and it leaves me wondering if I am doing something wrong. They all look so happy and content, they all seem to have these wonderful families, and go places and see things, and have these great friend get together’s, and what do I do?

Hide at home

Go at once in a while

Hide at home.

Creep on people’s facebook pages and realize how damned miserable I am even more than I already realize how miserable I am.

I have taken medication for years and nothing has ever WORKED!!!

I have this stupid new thing that they discovered something about not metabolizing medications…what the hell?

I don’t ever feel normal or think normal, at least that is what I have always been told by literally everyone in my life.  I would rather be reading or watching a documentary, writing…the writing part is when my brain allows me to, like right now. I am and have been really fucking unhappy and can’t find joy, except in creating and decorating and everyone just thinks I am insane because of this.

I would rather be reading or watching a documentary, writing…the writing part is when my brain allows me to, like right now. I am and have been really unhappy and can’t find joy, except in creating and decorating and thinking about things everyone thinks I am insane because of this.

Discussing politics and religion I could spend hours listening to others talk about the endless possibilities, and potential outcomes, and the dreams that come from the nightmares within these topics.

OR about old houses, and antiques, and books and how to save the world.

and antiques, and books and how to save the world.

and how to save the world.

There have been those who have come up with plans and then in the end nothing ever comes to fruition.

The distractions of a dreamer I suppose.

I painted.

I quit painting and drawing because everyone said my shit was like wall paper and everyone saw vaginas in everything I painted…WTF.

I was tired of hearing the shit, I stopped.

I composed.

I stopped because nobody believed the shit I wrote about and said there was no way I could have gone through what I did.

I am easily defeated.

I am insecure.

There is this intense fear of failure.

This intensity about being alone in everything I do.

Maybe I can’t find my tribe is the problem,

Is my tribe out there?

Am I doomed to be lonely all of my fucking life without a single soul to relate to?

I love my kids, I love my man, I enjoy my home and cooking and taking care of the people I love…

BUT I AM REALLY FUCKING LONELY

I am 40 damned years old and you would think this wouldn’t be such a big deal…

But lonely is living without

joybythedaydreaminggirl.PNG

Featured Image by siudajSTEJ at Deviant Art

Joy image by daydreaminggirl at Deviant Art

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5 thoughts on “Loneliness…14,000 plus days and counting!

  1. I am so happy you are back. Not many people will admit it buy behind those smiles is a lot more going on. If we could all be honest like you have been and realise we all have moments where life can be crap then we would be free to get on with the things we do get pleasure from. I’m with you on the social media. I’m fulling my time with stuff that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We are here. And your family is. And to all the people on Facebook: They all wear masks. Believe me! I don’t post much on FB but if I do post personal stuff it’s all positive. Maybe a rant. I don’t share the weight I carry there. I don’t show the ugly. Just like everyone else. FB is one big lie. I’m not sure if it helps but your writing is fantastic and I bet your painting is too. And if people see vaginas let them see vaginas. I guess the biggest step is to stop caring about what everyone else thinks and realizing that they all have their insecurities too. Forget the show they put on. Don’t let the fake drag you down.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t pay social media any mind. Everyone wants to look like they have their life together because it’s scary to be vulnerable. I’m glad you were able to express your feelings here. 🙂

    I know how you feel with everyone hating your art. When I took art classes in high school, the teacher would have us do gallery walks where we’d put our work on our desk and everyone would walk around and look at them. They’d put stickies on the work they liked. I never got a single sticky the entire year. Bottom line is YOU CREATE ART FOR YOURSELF. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t like it. As long as you like it, that’s what matters. I’m here to listen if you want to talk.

    Liked by 1 person

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