I am feeling manic lately, can’t focus! Everything is scattered and everything is not getting started or finished.
This leaves me in a tail spin…I trying not to withdraw…but I am.
Sometimes I get a bit paranoid…this time it’s worse, than it’s been in a long time.
I am uncertainly working hard to convince myself that nobody,
outside my doors gives two shits about me, myself and I.
Don’t think I am an “N” because that isn’t the problem.
I hear these little snippets in my head that people think:
These are examples of what goes on inside my head. I have heard this shit all my life. But it wasn’t always in my head. These are the voices, the snippets, of long a ago whispers that continue to haunt me today.
Some assholes say to get over it. Some say just put it away and move on….
For many years I pretended none of the shit ever happened, was never said, was never done. I stuffed it all into a great big mental chest. It didn’t all fit and at times the shit didn’t know how to stay put. For 15 years I tried to maintain and rarely talked about what happened. When I would go to therapy I couldn’t finish or follow through. I would hit this proverbial wall that would fall, paralyzing me.
That wall, that paralyzing is the shit I thought was safe inside a mental chest.
It wasn’t it was an inward lie I created to try and be NORMAL.
Now it replays itself in my head when I get manic. Every single group of words swirl in mass chaos telling me:
THEY CALL YOU CRAZY JESS! THEY ARE LAUGHING AT YOU! THEY ARE GONNA GET YOU!
This only happens when I am manic…
And it makes me afraid…very veRY VERY afraid.
SO when I go quiet…please don’t let me disappear into the fear that lies to me, that hates me, and wants to break me down.
Talk to me please…because it gets uncertain, scary and alone in here!