I am a very undisciplined person.
In the past when I was able to work, I stayed on a schedule. I had routine. I have been trying to find this routine again. But without having a job to go to everyday that is my anchor.
I have been trying to do the same things over and over every morning and evening, including following my 6yo’s clock.
In case and I know I haven’t mentioned this before, but I created a scheduled clock so that he could be aware of the time and his place in time relative to what was happening in our home. This has allowed me to also have a schedule too. But then again, I crave my own time.
As mother’s I think that we all crave our own time. For me it’s slipping out the back door for a few puffs. I know smoking is a horrible and nasty habit, and I had quit for 3 months, but it’s my time. Selfish and irresponsible I suppose.
But back to getting a schedule and routine.
I blog sporadically, I clean daily, I sleep irregularly, and I do laundry minimally, that is why HIM is the allowed to be the Laundry Nazi in our home, because I would do the laundry when I needed something.
I need a routine, and after 5 years of not working, I need to get up and start doing something productive. Now 5 years sounds like a long time, but in my mind it really isn’t. It’s been more like a few months to me. I have an uncanny knack for relating time to what I get done and do.
I haven’t done much.
There have been reasons. Surgeries, and hospital stays, and doctors appointments, and that is for myself. Toss my kids in on top of that, the house, the HIM, and then what teeny bit of a social life I have. My world is exhausting. I know that sounds a bit nutty, but it is.
I have never been a tired person, I used to be so full of energy, and get up and go. Get it done so I could do things I enjoyed, riding my bicycle, reading a book, the library, painting. My favorite activity was playing video games with the now 18yo.
None of this feels as if it were ever me. It’s all a distant memory a turn in life’s path and I continuously pass it by, and like a little girl in love with ponies looking out the car window as…damn it don’t go past it again.