This week in therapy, my therapist has a revelation about what she see’s is going on with me, and probably has been going on with me since well for as long as I have been or at least for…well what ever I can’t seem to get this to make sense….moving on.
She says, Jessica, you have had so many complex trauma and not a simple trauma here and there in your life, but your whole life has been a series of complex trauma’s. She goes on to explain that from the childhood messes, into my adult life and my relationships and friendships.
I asked her what is wrong with me? Why am I broken? I was crying, and feeling angry and insecure about myself.
She calmly stated, you are not broken but you can’t fill yourself back up anymore. That since 2009, when I had a serious mental breakdown, I have been trying to fill myself back up, to put everything back…and she says you can’t because you have never been fully able to process and grieve. That the persistent anger and frustration I feel inside is grief, and I haven’t passed through the proper stages of grieving…
Well no, because I have always had to pull myself up and keep going, for myself, for my kids, for everyone in my life.
I start apologizing try to straighten myself up and choke back the tears, and she tells me I need to stop doing that, because I need to grieve and process and to let go.
That is scary and that letting go, is a mystery.