Here I am mind whirring away in a million different directions. Sleep is not coming to visit me tonight. In fact it hasn’t been visiting much at all the last few months.
The bi-polar high I have been in the midst of since early this year. Oh it’s not been high gear and full throttle since then, but ramparts of chaos leading to one thing…
I have been cycling for the last three weeks so fast my head is about to spin off and I am not going to catch it this time.
I am scared, paranoid, depressed, angry, and scared.
A slew of thoughts rolls through my head like screaming whispers. Some of them are brought on by paranoia, and anxieties that…
Are ALL IN MY HEAD!
I haven’t been on medication for almost two years.
It started when my psychiatrist retired, then the next one decided he didn’t like what I had been on, so he changed things around, and I slept. Complained and slept some more.
Then that guy left, and I was given to a new Dr. he changed things again, and I slept. One more person, this time a physicians assistant, she changed me back to the tegretol, and for three months I slept. Complained but it fell on deaf ears.
So after feeling like a lab rat, and as if my voice was insignificant…I weaned myself off of the tegretol.
Here we are today.
At least I am awake.
I have been exercising, and trying to have moments of quiet during the day, but I can’t…
I can’t stop this upward momentum and have teetered over the edge.
For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of dealing with bipolar disorder, for those of you who don’t know what it’s like when a manic episode is taking over….
Fear, paranoia, depression, anger, and fear and back to depression.
Dealing with one of those emotions can be dreadful each one of them by themselves. Imagine cycling through them from minute to minute, and not in the order above.
Fear that I am doing something wrong.
Paranoid that people are spying on me.
Sadness because the above causes me to feel so empty and alone.
Anger because the thoughts are intrusive and it’s difficult to focus.
Like tonight I was peeling potatoes for our dinner, and the thoughts started with events that were creating paranoia. Linking events and people together and creating deep paranoia. Then out of nowhere the thought that…
“Hey, that knife, could end all of this!”
I thought to myself, where in the hell did that come from? Seriously Brain?!
Yeah I was simply peeling potatoes.
Then I get scared again because that is a dark thought and the crying starts again, and the pain. It’s as if a huge force is pushing down upon my shoulders driving me to be smaller and smaller, it’s like this painful force is attempting to force me out of existence.
Enter one of my teenagers and thoughts stop and I talk with my kid and then the sadness because thinking about how horrible it can be having these thoughts and letting down those that love me.
Then I am crying after they all go upstairs, and I can’t stop.
I call the crisis line and feel better because I reached out. I am better because I didn’t lash out at my loved ones. I feel empowered because I took a moment of control over the emotional whirlwind.
I took a hot bath put on my favorite scented lotion, sat down and googled this and that and took up the courage to put some clear words out tonight.
Good night everyone a few Melatonin’s and 4 hours later it will be time to get the kids off to school , and try to maintain my existence.
Have a good week everyone.
You Matter !